Hello, You Must Be Going

So - four housemates have been returned to Big Brother's 'House Next Door'.

Yes, I watch it, I like it, I'm blogging about it. Bugger off.

The public outcry is typically nuts. People who voted demanding refunds, claiming they were misled. Um - you know it's a TV show, right? It's hilarious that Big Brother, which is famous for changing the rules on its participants, has finally pulled a switcheroo on the viewers.

The thing is, TV viewers don't really know what's good for them. Year after year the loud and annoying are dumped in favour of the dull and innocuous. Which is fine - hey, it rewards not-being-irritating, a rare virtue that SHOULD be rewarded - but it leaves the show with all the flavour of tap water.

There are typically three kind of BB vote results:

"Yes!!" - When someone genuinely ghastly gets the boot, usually due to people who rarely vote taking the time to ensure their downfall. Cezar and Grace both got votes from me this year, when usually I only vote in the final. But I wanted to be REALLY sure they were off my TV screen.

"No!!" - When nice people get chucked. It's like splitting up with someone you actually like, but are never going to love. Sorry Sam, you were jolly sweet. This also applies to the eviction of people who were irritating, but provided good entertainment value. That's Nikki.

"Meh..." - When the person getting the boot will barely be remembered a week later. Bonnie, Michael...who were they again?


Look, angry people of Britain, you placed a text or phone vote and it cost you, what, 25p? If you're especially dumb, you voted dozens of times every week, in which case before getting your money back you should get some kind of psychological evaluation, making sure you're actually mentally fit to have money and, y'know, be around other people.

You voted to evict, right? To evict. Not to have the person executed, not even to remove them from the public eye permanently (if only); just to have them taken out of the house.

Also - IT'S A TV SHOW!

Does it actually matter who wins this thing? They all make way more than the prize money in their first few months out of the house. After that, the smart ones save up for the day when they can't get so much as a job in Tescos. The stupid ones try to release novelty singles and wind up drinking lighter fluid on the street.

It's not a president you're electing. And if it was...maybe we should get Endemol's producers to run our political system. You know that horrible moment where you realise you've voted into power a total gimp? Here's a second chance - try again, get it right this time.

Okay, okay - fascist dictatorship. It can't really happen. But this, I'll say again, IS A TV SHOW! It's powered by money and ratings, and the sad truth is that the people behind the scenes, pulling the strings, know what makes good telly better than you do.

Frankly, you haven't got a bloody clue.

You reward volume and violence, provided its directed where you want it. You have a ten-second memory for people's actions - falling off a chair in week 8 doesn't suddenly make being a consistently selfish gonad 'okay'. You reward stupidity.

Still, if Endemol needed any further proof that you don't know what you're doing, just look at who you've voted back in.

Nikki. Well, Nikki was a no-brainer. But you do know she's not been living in a box for the last few weeks, right? She's seen the videos, she's done the magazines and the TV shows. She thinks her histrionics are brilliant now so she's putting them on. Sure, it was always a bit of an act - but it's on a whole new level now. She's doing an impersonation of herself!

Oh, and she's STILL too dense to know what's going on...

Lea. Actually, yeah, okay, she looks like a Barbie that's been left too close to a hot stove, and she has some stalky tendencies. But she's motherly, she's caring, and she talks a string of utter filth. That's fine.

Mikey. Never was a man more confrontational in his requests that people stop being confrontational. Again, thick as custard, arrogant as hell, and the kind of guy who uses the word 'gash' in conversation referring to...exactly what you hope it doesn't. He's also a fawning lapdog to...

Grace.

Look, okay, I get it. We wanted some fire and personality back. But you voted her back in! You idiots!

Never was there such a respository of bile. Never has a face so obviously conveyed contempt - despite this woman being in a position to look down on nobody. This vile, hateful, sadist, this control freak, this spoilt brat. A person who thinks the best way to raise your self-esteem is to shove everyone else's over. Vindictive, manipulative...and, again, too stupid to breathe in and out.

Grace, darling, you nominated every week. Took pleasure in it, in fact. Had you been asked to vote for EVERY person in the house, and give valid reasons, they couldn't have kept you out of that diary room.

So how come one woman voting for you - citing only reasons that you 'hadn't really bonded' - warranted such a reaction? Suzie, bland as she was, had no idea she was the only person nominating; you did, and you made every effort to suck up in the preceding days.

Oh, right, sorry, yes - that's it. It's not the voting, it's that your efforts to fake being nice didn't work.

A small tip, then: Fake always feels fake. And some of us don't have to labour constantly to BE nice. For some people, it's where they go first. Hate's a last resort, not a preferred destination.

We, the voters, have rewarded this pig of a human being with more fame. She's back in...for now. And, like Nikki, she's taken this as a licence to bitch.

She's back, I guess, because we want some fireworks. But what possible pleasure is there, at this stage, of watching Nikki and Mikey gather around Grace's hateful fire, being mean for the sake of it? I've no interest in seeing them come face to face with Aisleyne - self-absorbed loudmouths fronting up. Ashlyene too daft to argue intelligently, Grace to busy being mean to bother understanding people. Who needs it?

Oh, and don't give me that "She's only 20" thing. Cobblers. I wasn't cruel like that at 20, and anyone who is has CHOSEN to be. Being voted out, and getting that huge panto reaction, is the least Grace deserves. Does voting her back in make her learn a lesson, or undermine the one thing that eviction might have taught her?

I've no problem with the game being played on us as strongly as it is on the entrants. We're all complicit in the same cruelties, and we deserve to have our choices questioned and undermined.

What we don't deserve is any more screen time for a woman who thinks kindness and understanding are abstract concepts reserved for the movies, who believes that being thin entitles her to a living, and who's incapable of seeing life from another's perspective.

Evict her. Again. Please.