Your Exclusive FHM Cut-Out-And-Keep Interview

So you're a young and sexy thing on your way up the ladder of fame. You've had a boob job, a role in a teen soap and a public relationship with a minor pop-star. In short, you're ready to flash some skin for FHM.

With all that in mind, B-M-Eyes presents a handy guide to your very first interview. Take these easy-to-remember phrases, mix up the order, add a few personal details, and you won't have to think once while that grubby little journo lets his tape-recorder roll.

"I love my new boobs! They make me feel so sexy."

"These pictures are the sexiest I've ever done."

"I love FHM. We read it all the time on the set. Me and INSERT SEXY FEMALE CO-STAR are always looking at the sexy pictures and taking notes."

"Oh yeah, when we're out I kiss my girlfriends all the time. It's really sexy and it drives the guys mad. I love it!"

"I've never had a threesome, but I'd love to. Maybe with INSERT FHM COVER STAR ONE or INSERT FHM COVER STAR TWO. They're really sexy."

"In my new film/TV show/children's book I do go topless. But it's really important to the story, and kinda sexy. INSERT GENERIC MALE CO-STAR was so funny, we just kept laughing about it."

"I am single right now. It's been, like, years since I even had a snog. It's a shame, cos I feel so sexy." (This will make the readership think they have a shot. See, also, the next line.)

"To impress me a guy should just walk up and be funny. A sense of humour is the thing most likely to get my attention - I love to laugh. It's really sexy." (So David Beckham? No chance. Joe Pasquale? Result!)

"Me and INSERT PAPARAZZI-SNAPPED BLOKE? Oh, the press blow these things right up. We just had a few drinks one time. He's great, though; so talented. We're just friends. He's really...oh, what's the word?" (Don't forget - you must NOT mention Max Clifford's involvement in putting the relationship together, the fact that the guy's five times as famous as you, and gay, and the way you brutally dumped your existing boyfriend to do it as it would be 'good for your career'.)

It's worth noting that Emma Caulfield once gave an interview to a lad's mag (I forget which one) saying something along the lines of "I've never had a sexual experience with another woman. It just doesn't interest me. It's never felt like it's for me to kiss one of my friends or something. Though I'm not against it."

While the quote WAS used in the main body of the interview, the pull-quote - the big-type quote printed large on the page and used to attract casual readers - read "I've never had a sexual experience with a woman. I'm not against it..."

I mean - come ON!

Are we really this shallow? Seriously? That with every set of semi-naked pics (to which I have zero objection) we have to have a tick-box of wish-fulfillment answers? Up for a threesome, lesbian tendencies, single and looking, willing to shag ugly blokes (read 'good sense of humour').

Apparently so.

What nobody seems to have noticed is that these lines are just the weak-gened cousins of porn mags' own set of pull-quotes.

Proper porn mags don't bother with the interview, obviously. They just print a few lines in large print to...aid the process. Stuff like "I want you to lick me til I cum" or "Can I suck you off? I really want to."

Is there anybody reading who doesn't know that these lines are written by Big Geoff in the office? In between pizza slices, cold coffee and watching I'm a Celebrity, Geoff's job is to impersonate a horny, if mentally deficient, nude model. Nice work if you can get it.

So, look, FHM - can we drop the pretence? The latest Hollyoaks actress has sod-all to tell me anyway. Phone Geoff - he'll have some time on his hands once Big Brother ends - and give him a job.

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Additional: Does gay porn and girl-porn have the same line in pull-quotes? If you know, please post! I find it hard to believe a woman is likely to be turned on by man-based Geoff-isms such as "Would you like to see me play with my nipples? I bet you would."